After Your Big Sister Calls You an Immature Nuisance
by Shellie Zacharia
Use her lip gloss on the dog and deny it, even when she points out the dog hair stuck to it. Wear her eyeliner. Make Cleopatra eyes, bat your eyelashes and say, "What? What?" when she shouts. Put on one of her bras over your t-shirt and go into the kitchen when you know she and her new boyfriend Tony are there. Open the fridge and say, "Who drank all the orange juice?" Walk away shaking your head. Hide the copy of Hamlet she is reading for school. At dinner, after everything she says, say, "The lady doth protest too much, methinks." Pick up the phone when you know she is on it. Say, "Hello? Hello?" in falsetto. Ask, "Is this Kevin?" When she says, "Get off or I will kill you," say "Violence is not the answer." When she calls you things she shouldn't, revert to one of the oldest tricks. I know you are but what am I? I know you are but what am I? I know you are but what am I?
Years later, when she calls and says she is lonely and misses her ex-husband, when she cries and her sobs are so loud you have to hold the phone in your lap, say, "Call Tony. I always thought he was good for you." If she laughs, laugh with her. Laugh loud and say, "Remember how he wore those tight jeans?" If she doesn't laugh, if she continues to cry, say, "Sister, you are beautiful." Repeat it. Again and again and again.