i have dogs that will ruin you
by Gene Morgan
My dogs sniff DVDs. These are my dogs. They will find your shit. They will sniff your DVDs. Bill Paxton and Meg Ryan will get that mad DVD money. You will lose your family. I have some dogs. I am sorry. I have movie industry dogs. You will go to jail. These dogs will find your crappy video-recorded copy of “Transformers”, and then you will not be able to feed your kids. You are destroying us. The motion picture industry only had enough money to train these dogs that can sniff-out plastic disks, and to help Michael Douglas afford a comfortable life having sex with hundreds of Asian prostitutes and swimming in crushed diamonds covered in white truffle oil. I am sorry. There is nothing I can do but ruin your life over this shakily-filmed low-quality copy of “Rush Hour”. You were breaking the law and ruining us. I thank these dogs I trained. People were going to give you a marginal amount of money for a sub-par, crappy-looking version of a sub-par, crappy-looking movie, and now, now that money is ours. Your kids will grow-up on dry ramen and one-ply. Our kids will sleep on beds stuffed with recycled dead prostitutes from Samuel L. Jackson’s Dead Prostitute Ranch. I’m sorry. These are my dogs. They sniff DVDs. They save us from the unstoppable destructive force of you and shitty pirated DVDs that people only buy because they don’t want to spend more than a couple of bucks on our overpriced low-quality romance/comedy/sequel films. Fuck people who know the value of our craft and you. Go back to selling drugs to pedophiles. Your business model is broken. I have dogs now. I’m sorry.
Gene Morgan lives at pompadoured.com.