Tromping in Fashion
Feeling "incredibly pissed" and looking determined in her button-front shirt-dress in cotton plaid, two back inverted pleats, and double-stitching at the neck, Felicia Wholebody entered Spago in Hollywood yesterday for a second witch burning session before a jury of Texas steers in which she was expected to elaborate on her sexual trysts with Tommy Hilfiger.
"Like, I don't know what's up with him," she said, uncrossing her legs to flash a glimpse of her lace crotchless panties, a racy cotton-poly blend with screen printed assault weapons. "It wasn't like I was his bimbo or anything."
Friends of the former Hollywood restroom attendant trainee said she was "outraged" at reports that her role in the relationship was merely to serve him ballpark cuisine while riding naked upon a sexually charged mule. Miss Wholebody, 25, insisted that the fashion mogul told her that they had "a totally kewl future together" after his fall line which included such treasures as drop-top neo-Roman tunics, reverse latex tampon briefs, thermal Ecuadorian lederhosen, and acrylic floral butt shorts. He led her to believe that one day they might be together and she thought they had "a unique intellectual and emotional bond".
When asked about the most intimate statement Mr. Hilfiger made she responded, "One time he said 'Your body is really big compared to a tampon.' I thought that was so sweet of him to notice. It was then I realized how much I loved him."
She seemed so adorably cute and perky; it was difficult to imagine her at the center of such a heated controversy. I envisioned her covered in mountains of chocolate, and rivers of caramel, harkening back to that first day I had heard someone refer to her as "Hot Eats, Cool Treats." Maybe if that comment had not been uttered by that horribly deformed kid from Stephen King's The Shining, I might have found it exciting. And the fact that he was dressed like Erykah Badu and yelling "You owe me, bitch!" began me on a program of Caring Psychic Family Therapy that still has a long way to go.
Yet, even though I knew the minute she swirled out of this interview she would be hooking up with some guy on the beach and within seconds be asking "Does he love me? I'm so confused," I couldn't help but be magnetized by her virginal vulnerability. Just then, the words of my grandmother came back to me, "If you sniff bleach, don't stick your nose in the bottle." Good old grandma and her miraculous folk wisdom. Of course, she was right. I couldn't afford to let my emotions run away with me. As a professional, that's my job.
So instead, I gently used Felicia's hand to waft the bleach fumes toward my nose thus acknowledging the spiritual wisdom of granny and getting some at the same time. The experience was transcendental in much the same way as drinking a bottle of Gatorade Frost in the citrus flavors of Alpine Snow, Glacier Freeze, and Whitewater Splash, all light and crisp tasting fruit blends with exotic tastes and refreshing colors. According to a spokesman at Gatorade, "These flavors are so revolutionary and unique that common 'fruit' descriptions wouldn't do them the justice they deserve." Such is the effect Felicia's tender ways had upon my itinerant soul.